ASK JESS / Alone but not Lonely: The Art of Living Solo

Every week I answer a question submitted by an anonymous reader. This week, we talk living solo.

“I’ve been single for 5 years now and the thought of living the rest of my life alone terrifies me. The advice of fill your life with things you love, activities & friends etc or everything happens for a reason are just words people try to say to make you feel better about your situation and I don’t believe it. Human beings are designed to connect. The connection an intimate relationship can provide isn’t the same as friendships or focusing on activities you love. Do you have a different view?”

Thank you so much for this very important question, it’s a conversation I have often in my practice.

The fear of being alone certainly can be overwhelming and unsettling, especially for those who have been single for a prolonged period of time. It is also completely natural to crave human connection and intimacy - as humans, we’re wired for it - and the thought of living the rest of one's life alone can be terrifying, yes.

First of all, it is important to acknowledge the genuine feelings of distress that are arising for you, and offer compassion and support to yourself - be gentle!

Secondly, tell me something…why is there such a profound fear around living the rest of your life alone? You use the word ‘terrifies’ which conjures up a real intensity around this feeling for me. So I ask you; why does it scare you? What is the fear? What does it mean if you do spend the rest of your life alone, and what thoughts come up about yourself here? Does it mean you’re not good enough, is there a part of you that tells you you are unlikable, or unlovable? Perhaps at the core here, is the relationship with yourself rather than the one with others. As I’ve said, humans are wired for human connection, but we can find these connections in all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones.

Bella DePaulo, a social scientist who specialises in studying single life, and who wrote the book ‘Singled Out’ suggests that our culture often prioritises romantic relationships as the ultimate goal in life, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy or shame for those who are single. However, DePaulo believes that being single can be just as rewarding as being in a relationship, and that cultivating a positive relationship with yourself is critical to leading a fulfilling life.

Developing a positive relationship with yourself involves acknowledging and embracing your strengths, values, and goals, as well as addressing and accepting your flaws and limitations with self-compassion - again, gentleness is required here! By doing so, we become more self-aware and better equipped to navigate life's challenges, including the fear of being alone. Additionally, having a healthy relationship with ourselves can enable us to establish and maintain healthier relationships with others.

The fear of being alone is hard, and it’s a valid emotion that can cause significant distress, but it is important to remember that a fulfilling life does not always require a romantic relationship. By asking ourselves the hard questions and cultivating self-compassion in the wake of the answers, we can create a fulfilling life on our own terms.